A Lot To Be Embarrassed About

Recently,
I’ve been leaving myself out
Tuned up switch-key, refuse to figure it out
I could say I’ve been hitting things well
But there’s a place I go
Where I can think solo
(And) On the brightest sunny day I’m a raincloud hanging low

I’ve got plans,
Got the Jones and got the poison
But think I’m gone mad, my muscles moisten
Hate visioning the faces
I don’t think they know
That I’m afraid of the show
I’ll drink to compensate it out until they ask me to go home

Think I’d rather sit in,
Better sit this one out
Avoid a social situation I’ve got a lot to be embarrassed about

Not too sure I’m wanted around,
And got enough to fester that doubt
So tell my friends I don’t mean to pull out,
My name’s on the table and I’ve got a lot to be embarrassed about

Hard by sleep,
Cause it’s wicked when I’m under
I wish I couldn’t remember
The discomfort pinches my spine
Can numb the ticks
With the harder shit
But don’t want to walk on rocks from the crumbling foundation

Slave to it,
Blue eyed fall guy,
I really liked when you put your hand on my thigh
Nothing there to like about me
A big scar like a hole in my cheek
When I laugh with my big teeth
No please! Don’t check up on me, let me slip out and leave

Think I’d rather sit in,
Better sit this one out
Avoid a social situation I’ve got a lot to be embarrassed about

Not too sure I’m wanted around,
And got enough to fester that doubt
So tell my friends I don’t mean to pull out,
My name’s on the table and I’ve got a lot to be embarrassed about

Now I’m not alone, no
I’ve got texts on my phone
Must be feeling sort of proud,
And I’ve got a lot to be embarrassed about

So tell my friends I don’t mean to pull out
My name’s on the table and I’ve got a lot to be embarrassed about

Worthless

I’m not worthless,
just worth less, than you
It’s something you never failed to remind
And you have gentle eyes
But I know a truth dressed as a lie is quiet but cannot hide

After is too late for you to realise, that you were lucky to have me
Too late to rub up chemistry
Like I’d wait at the gate
For your smile to find me

Did you think you could look at me like that?
Did you think you could ruin all I had
I – I – I don’t feel so bad

You’ve still got it out for me
You search for reasons to hurt on me
Like a ghost, stalking me
Preying

No I know I know I’m not worthless
Just worth less than you
You and him and your ex,
You told me so
It’s something you never failed to remind
And yeah you have gentle eyes
But I know I know a truth dressed as a lie is quiet but cannot hide

Cut me off from the rest of the world so that when you stepped out place
I wouldn’t notice
Like a tie around my eyes
But you couldn’t keep your loyalty in one place
And so you’d accuse me of the same

Did you think you could look at me like that?
Did you think you could ruin all I had
I, I, I don’t feel so bad

You’ve still got it out for me
You search for reasons to hurt on me
Like a ghost, stalking me
Preying

I’m not worthless
I’m just worth less
Among the shadows in the background
Where I can be overlooked without sympathy
Not worthless
Just worth less

Tainted

Carry the weight of the world on my shoulders
Carry the weight of the whole world on my shoulders,
Because I refuse to let any of it go
Find it hard to let things go

We were both so dedicated
To keep what we had from fading
Dedicated to the loving memory
But our love is tainted

Like a painting
Of sun and song we had created
Wouldn’t waste it,
Our illustration
But our love is tainted

Our hands are made for holding
Our hands are made for holding, not building
Hands too dirty to clean the canvas

But we were both so dedicated
To keep what we had from fading
Dedicated to the loving memory
Our love is tainted

Like a painting
Of sun and song we had created
Wouldn’t waste it,
Our illustration
But our love is tainted

But dedicated,
We were so dedicated
To keep the hearts from breaking
Keeping things in their places
Afraid of changes
So dedicated
But our love is tainted

The road we’re on is so unstable,
Our love is tainted
This road’s unstable,
Our love is tainted
Keep the hearts from breaking,
Never waste it, our creation,
Is tainted
Wish I could change it,
Our love is tainted

The Feed

Yeah my tracks are still fucking bitter
Epiphany being such a hard hitter
I had my tongue on the lips of that bullshitter
More over I slopped up the residue of the lies he left behind
Move over I gained the right to leave the questions unsigned

Oh I smoothed over every single edge and then wounded myself up from all the kicks and scratches, I, was far from selfish
And to think this brute had a fix on me like a chunk of drain hair that clogged up in my throat
To think he kept his foot down on me underwater so I couldn’t float
Like he was captain of the boat,
Guider of the road

Gave in and bitched out
Gave up the moon in my blackout,
I stuck around, yeah, I stuck around
I wiped his hands clean when he smeared up on my own fruit,
Collected his wishes and wore em like armbands in a pool of false truths
Held onto his hypocrisy and became too confused to reboot

Yeah my tracks are still fucking bitter
Epiphany being such a hard hitter
I had my tongue on the lips of that bullshitter
More over I slopped up the residue of the lies he left behind
Move over I gained the right to leave the questions unsigned

Oh I rounded up all his inner conflicts like rogue guns and it took me too long to realise I was the target range
And to think I had this boar on a throne like a clapped fool using a guillotine as a pillow
To think I played right into his arms
Like I was a pig on his farm,
Something to harm

Gave in and bitched out
Gave up the moon in my blackout,
I stuck around, yeah, I stuck around
I wiped his hands clean when he smeared up on my own fruit,
Collected his wishes and wore em like armbands in a pool of false truths
Held onto his hypocrisy and became too confused to reboot
He wrecked on
My dignity when he questioned my integrity
By reassuring his barbarity
It was my own reason burning out

Yeah my tracks are still fucking bitter
Empathy being such a hard hitter
I held my tongue on the grips of that bullshitter
More over I slopped up the residue of the lies he left behind
Move over I gained the right to leave the questions unsigned

 

Guns and Suits

Hood down, slouched, that’s how he walked
Great aim, accuracy, that’s how he shot
Guns and suits, his lifetime collection
Life consisting of riots and retaliation

 

He loved me half to death
He hated me the rest
But he could never walk away he swore, he confessed
I was a
Lifetime of mysterious complications
He wore a
Black tux, white cuffs, correlation

 

Guns and suits
Immaculate, and he’s sayin’
Guns and suits
Head bent, shoulders back and – and I’m hopin’
He’s gonna
Kiss me, baby hit me with the trepidation
Rough lips, hard kiss, he’s a constellation
Eyes tight, lips wide and – and I’m lovin’
His guns and suits, yeah
Guns and suits
Guns and suits, baby
Guns and suits

 

He walks around high, pistol in his back pocket
Got a python and a trooper in his tux socket
Police are watchin’ and he’s smilin’ and he’s thinkin’ fuck it
He wants a
Bullet show, homicidal knife party
I wanna
Jazz song, and a blood storm in the lobby

 

Guns and suits
Immaculate, and he’s sayin’
Guns and suits
Head bent, shoulders back and – and I’m hopin’
He’s gonna
Kiss me, baby hit me with the trepidation
Rough lips, hard kiss, he’s a constellation
Eyes tight, lips wide and – and I’m lovin’
His guns and suits, yeah
Guns and suits
Guns and suits, baby
Guns and suits

 

His short black hair, the smoke from his cigarette
The way he squints as he studies me in depth
Makes me feel protected with an arm around my shoulder
I like ’em older

 

Guns and suits
Immaculate, and he’s sayin’
Guns and suits
Head bent, shoulders back and – and I’m hopin’
He’s gonna
Kiss me, baby hit me with the trepidation
Rough lips, hard kiss, he’s a constellation
Eyes tight, lips wide and – and I’m lovin’
His guns and suits, yeah
Guns and suits
Guns and suits, baby
Guns and suits

 

Written in 2015.

 

Sweet Tralee

The soil’s as fresh as honey
The finches choir in the trees
Where the flowers grow
Oh the fuchsia that spring in Tralee

They buried a man with his dog
The son sang the widow a song
They’re crying for peace,
In fields of red and green
Oh, what happened in sweet Tralee?

The Irish still drink in Tralee
Their dogs all chained to the trees
There’s a cold in the breeze,
And the hounds they will freeze
Because the men want a drink in Tralee

The children are out grabbing thorns
They’d be safe to their mothers they swore
But they’re watching their das,
And it’s sure they will catch
The curse of the thirst those men bore

Their nails are soil-free
But the hands that serve us aren’t clean
The oaths are all fake,
It’s the money they take,
Agus na Gaeilge, abash by the sea

Bats

Sweaty bats gliding through an Autumn-Magic sunset, their kiwi-rat bodies glinting over the tips of dark and meaningless houses- unbothered and unspied, only by me and my tired eyes and sore arm.

They are numerous, scattered like pepper sprinkles, dotted over a sheet and I recall with a painful wince the detail – the ache in my hand holding that fountain pen so steadily, its slim knib slowly cutting and dragging at the droopy blobs of tar that never had time to harden.

Bats – gloopy and inky for me – I just wipe my hand over the page and distort the sky I spent so long to colour in purple.

I wish I could’ve done more, I wish I had known to try. And maybe that’s mankinds biggest flaw. Wondering why we were never given the answers to questions we forgot to ask