The Runner

Leo Diarmuid GreyLeave a comment 
Everytime I go to figure it out,
I can't help but fuck it up,
When I was a boy, and my da was my da
I learned when to run, and could run, so fast

I had to grow up, never look back
If you rap on my wall, I'd always tap back
But lost are those days, if I could get them back
I'd grab with my hands, one summer to have back

Over the stones that remind me of home

They can't hurt you, not if they can't catch you
Oh I wish that was true, I wish that were true
But I ran away, I'll do it again
Cuts on my leg, creak in my neck

Over the stones that remind me of home

I kept up some skills, maybe its there my mind is
Still just a kid, older, that child is
Still a song writer, still starting fires
Still hyperbad, I guess still a fighter
Still going mad, I've lost and I've tired
Still sprint over sand, over snow, over briar

Over the stones, that remind me of home,
Go

Over the embers of bonfires, over the streets stained with spits of blood
Way in and far, past the way back
Over the rivers that once ran so fast
Over the kid-bones, the dead from my past
Over and over, the lies that last
Over and over
Forever,
- The Runner

Fear of God

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I was a young kid
And turned off God
Scared of God
Scared of the preachers
And scumbag priests
Offering pieces
Of the body of Jesus
How he looked at me
Like a piece of meat
Father John
Have I done something wrong
Where’s Adam?
Adam is lost
In the back of the cathedral
How long’s it been
Since your last confession
We were boxed in
Smell of a coffin
Seeking forgiveness
Said I was gay
Could God take that away
Then I went deeper
And deeper
And deeper

Everything is blank and sort of numb
Getting older knowing something was wrong
Life at home
I was so fearful of
Slammed my mind against
The darkness of repression
And I went deeper
And deeper

The smell of frankincense turns my stomach
I don’t take procession
“If there is a God, he will have to beg my forgiveness”
There’s a door in my mind
A child left behind
Something bursts just outside
And he starts screaming
That sixth sense scene has always stuck with me
You know your da becomes your impression of God
I’m scared of God
Always was
I’m scared of God
Always was
I’m scared of God
Always was
I’m scared of God
Always was
I’m scared of God
Always was
I’m scared of God
I’m scared of God
I’m scared of God

Waiting, not Healing

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I’ve been going blow to blow with one of the exes
Because he made me believe in love then made toys of my exits
I was writing initials in the snow, now I’m day drinking

Be waiting a while on a guy like him
Patiently, I stand still
Because the love I thought he had moved me the way pain moves through families

I’ve been nose to nose with a lot of hard truths lately
I would’ve built him up a home, but he wanted walls, mainly
I was smiling at my phone, while he was out game chasing

Be waiting a while on a guy like him
Patiently I stand still
I’ll wait until the end
It’d break my heart if he came back to emptiness
Oh it’d break my heart if he felt this emptiness

James

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I spot a flame by the bar
With some guy getting drunk
I remember the time you were shy until smooth with me, do you?

You’ve got that glint in your eye
Is it headlights or stars
For me over here it’s blinding and burning healed scars

He’s got his hair nice and all
Wearing his favourite top
I can just smell the aftershave he has on

Seems like he’s happy and all
But I know underneath it he’s small
My little man goes hunting in the dark
Does this fella know you’ll leave him in a month?
Space out replies, flirt with other guys, till he gives up?

Crawl back to my arms
If you leave then you’ll fall
You’re not big enough for it at all
World’s a bit of a beast when you take it head on

Convinced he’s strong
He toughs through it all
Still cries in the taxi home when he’s alone

Made up a promise
Swore I was the one
But you gave it all up when you needed it most
Tell me James does my name hurt to say, or is it meaningless?

Crawling back to my arms
If you leave then you fall
Youre not big enough to tank it all
Worlds a bit of a bitch when you’re vulnerable

Convinced he’s strong
Chin up sees no wrong
Still wonders why he can’t keep a man for long
Love bombs then he runs before the blast goes off
I was looking through rubble for the man I loved
He was in bed with a guy I didn’t know yet of

Cause he makes up a promise
He swears blind no one cares
I loved you, give it up

Crawl back to my arms
Love isn’t lost, give it up
Still cries in the taxi home when he’s alone


Fearing My Sister Will Die In My Arms

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You close your eyes and count to three
“Will I be alive if I go for five”, you ask me
I hold you in my arms like you’ve fallen asleep
As if I will carry you to bed like our da did
Your pale face shaking and looking through me
And I can see now the resemblance between you and me
Your breathing stops but you continue to bleed
Just close your eyes and count to three

Close your eyes and count to three

Echoes

Have you ever tried to convince a child not to die?

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Does she laugh when we’re not here?
Does she even speak to him?
Is he aware that all of his kids know,
That his marriage depends on them?

Does she hideaway upstairs?
Does she even believe it herself?
She may never have loved him,
But still didn’t leave him for what he did to me

Does she feel obligated to him?
Like I did in my last love life
Feeling raped every night
Closing doors to escape fights

Is his redemption salt in her eyes?
Is she allowed resentment when she took his side?
Maybe it’s guilt hiding in plain sight
Behind shut doors, I would shake and cry

Raising myself took borrowed might
Have you ever tried to convince a child not to die?
Now they come to me with puppy eyes
And I nurture the ones who entropized my light

Into The Red

Wish I could tell my parents

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You’re all I remember
When winter shaves its thaw
For worse or for better
You evaporate my thoughts

From what I remember
We were scared of the fall
And since that years September
I wanted to tell you

I’m not scared at all

You’re all I remember
When winter shaves its thaw
For worse or for better
You evaporate my thoughts

Your golden light embers
Refined and true
Your head on my neck
I just didn’t want to lose it all

I’m not scared at all

I’m not scared at all

Wish I could tell my parents
I’m not scared at all
To whoever needs to hear this
I’m not scared at all
To all my decisions
I’m not scared at all
If my ghosts come to re-visit
I’m not scared at all
As I run into the mist
I’m not scared at all

My Man Digs Graves

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My man digs graves
Digs every day
He don’t paint no walls
He don’t write no books

And when he’s paid
He buries the money

My man digs graves
Deeper every day
He don’t sing no songs
He don’t twiddle no thumbs

And when he’s late
He’s gone for days

My man digs graves
Digs like in chains
He’s got them all placed
He’s got them all named

He doesn’t pray
He digs deeper every day

Ah,

My man digs graves

Welcome Home

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I wonder if they miss me
I wonder if they’re proud of me
Once I’d grown up I forgot all about them
Once I’d grown up I left the house and hoped to never see them

I miss how it felt to be within their strong embrace
They used to be strong and kept me hidden, kept me safe

Now they just seem so small when I’m around them

And frail when I touch them

Thin

They watched me lose all of my friends
Over and over and over again
Kept an unblinking eye on the road
When they knew I was out somewhere, and I was probably cold, and alone

The days I ran excitedly home
The days I was miserable, or irritable, or preferred my phone

I used to shout my hateful spit at them
They would never reprimand, nor react, which was what I needed, for them to understand

They never spoke but they always welcomed me home

They listened to me implore God to start
They listened to me implore God to stop

Somehow, I miss them a lot

Nobody knows me like the four walls of my childhood bedroom do

Goodbye Alex

I’ve never been given many options
But I’ll be the one who choses my way away

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I’ve never planned to see each sunset
That my life might span to claim
I was never one for goodbyes
Because I couldn’t trust the way your face…

We’d talk about it often
How I’ll eventually quit the game
I said I’ve never been given many options
But I’ll be the one who choses my way away

I don’t know when your love stopped
I don’t know if me or you changed
But for a sunny day in Portmarnock
I was sure it’d come back again

And all the rain was pouring
And all the children knew their names
You promised to stick by me forever
But forever was just a phrase

We walked fast past a couple
The old man clutched his leg
His wife held his back
As she ushered us ahead of them

I was singing to myself
Because I felt lost within our space
That old man followed my trail
Together we sang away

Some sad song, what’s the name?
I can’t recall if it was real or fake
I struggled to finish the lyrics
But behind us he boomed with grace

“All the rain was pouring,
All the children knew their names.
You promised to stick by me forever,
But forever was just a phrase.”

All this time, you just kept walking
You didn’t say a single thing
So I turned to you and asked
“Is everything okay?”

To my surprise, you were crying
So many tears escaped your face
“I always knew you were meant to be in the world for a long time”
You said as you held yourself in pain

I just turned and looked away
As my form began to dissipate
“I’m sorry Alex”, I let myself say
I had left you all alone and haunted you in every way

And all the rain had poured then
All the children had moved away
I promised to stick by you forever
Until forever became a pain