A Lot To Be Embarrassed About

Recently,
I’ve been leaving myself out
Tuned up switch-key, refuse to figure it out
I could say I’ve been hitting things well
But there’s a place I go
Where I can think solo
(And) On the brightest sunny day I’m a raincloud hanging low

I’ve got plans,
Got the Jones and got the poison
But think I’m gone mad, my muscles moisten
Hate visioning the faces
I don’t think they know
That I’m afraid of the show
I’ll drink to compensate it out until they ask me to go home

Think I’d rather sit in,
Better sit this one out
Avoid a social situation I’ve got a lot to be embarrassed about

Not too sure I’m wanted around,
And got enough to fester that doubt
So tell my friends I don’t mean to pull out,
My name’s on the table and I’ve got a lot to be embarrassed about

Hard by sleep,
Cause it’s wicked when I’m under
I wish I couldn’t remember
The discomfort pinches my spine
Can numb the ticks
With the harder shit
But don’t want to walk on rocks from the crumbling foundation

Slave to it,
Blue eyed fall guy,
I really liked when you put your hand on my thigh
Nothing there to like about me
A big scar like a hole in my cheek
When I laugh with my big teeth
No please! Don’t check up on me, let me slip out and leave

Think I’d rather sit in,
Better sit this one out
Avoid a social situation I’ve got a lot to be embarrassed about

Not too sure I’m wanted around,
And got enough to fester that doubt
So tell my friends I don’t mean to pull out,
My name’s on the table and I’ve got a lot to be embarrassed about

Now I’m not alone, no
I’ve got texts on my phone
Must be feeling sort of proud,
And I’ve got a lot to be embarrassed about

So tell my friends I don’t mean to pull out
My name’s on the table and I’ve got a lot to be embarrassed about

Worthless

I’m not worthless,
just worth less, than you
It’s something you never failed to remind
And you have gentle eyes
But I know a truth dressed as a lie is quiet but cannot hide

After is too late for you to realise, that you were lucky to have me
Too late to rub up chemistry
Like I’d wait at the gate
For your smile to find me

Did you think you could look at me like that?
Did you think you could ruin all I had
I – I – I don’t feel so bad

You’ve still got it out for me
You search for reasons to hurt on me
Like a ghost, stalking me
Preying

No I know I know I’m not worthless
Just worth less than you
You and him and your ex,
You told me so
It’s something you never failed to remind
And yeah you have gentle eyes
But I know I know a truth dressed as a lie is quiet but cannot hide

Cut me off from the rest of the world so that when you stepped out place
I wouldn’t notice
Like a tie around my eyes
But you couldn’t keep your loyalty in one place
And so you’d accuse me of the same

Did you think you could look at me like that?
Did you think you could ruin all I had
I, I, I don’t feel so bad

You’ve still got it out for me
You search for reasons to hurt on me
Like a ghost, stalking me
Preying

I’m not worthless
I’m just worth less
Among the shadows in the background
Where I can be overlooked without sympathy
Not worthless
Just worth less

Bats

Sweaty bats gliding through an Autumn-Magic sunset, their kiwi-rat bodies glinting over the tips of dark and meaningless houses- unbothered and unspied, only by me and my tired eyes and sore arm.

They are numerous, scattered like pepper sprinkles, dotted over a sheet and I recall with a painful wince the detail – the ache in my hand holding that fountain pen so steadily, its slim knib slowly cutting and dragging at the droopy blobs of tar that never had time to harden.

Bats – gloopy and inky for me – I just wipe my hand over the page and distort the sky I spent so long to colour in purple.

I wish I could’ve done more, I wish I had known to try. And maybe that’s mankinds biggest flaw. Wondering why we were never given the answers to questions we forgot to ask

Painting Rain

You left, put between us miles
You left, took it all, left me bare
I’ve been painting rain, on bathroom tiles
Four walls and a bed, you’re gone and I’m here
Just me and my pen,
When you’re gone I’m not there
With nothing to feel
I just feel

You’re gone and I’m here
I’ll be painting rain
When you’re gone I’m not there
I’ll be painting rain
I’ll be painting rain

It’s time to leave this house
I need to get fucking out
Breathe in fresh air, poison it with despair
I am the fleshed damage you left behind
I am the vacant expression on the marble tile
I make them cry, I made you cry

You’re gone and I’m here
I’ll be painting rain
When you’re gone I’m not there
I’ll be painting rain
I’ll be painting rain

I’ve coloured every hall
In these blue raindrops
I’ve coloured all my walls
In these big raindrops
They’re painted on the floor
Where I write when I’m sore
They’re painted on the doors
Because my love is no more

Every night and day
I’ll be painting rain
Painting rain

Every night and day
I’ll be painting rain
Painting rain

Every night and day
I’ll be painting rain
Painting rain

Every night and day
I’ll be painting rain
Painting rain

Every night and day
I’ll be painting rain
Painting rain

 

(Painting: ‘Rain In The Field’ by Natalia Limanenko.)

Water Like Fireworks

I’ve decided against answers

Rather sit crossed-legged

And laugh at my own laughter

– So I retract from questions

Never wonder why

Learned to count my blessings

 

(Hopesand)

 

Water Like Fireworks

Tingling triangles and tinkling harps

Nothing as soft, nothing is sharp

He has my wonder, has my fun, he has my heart

 

(Safesound)

 

Canopy of frost tipped bluebells

That top the spring scented hills

Tip toeing on piano tiles

There his son, there his bride

 

Water Like Fireworks

Tingling triangles and tinkling harps

Nothing as soft, nothing is sharp

He has my wonder, has my fun, he has my heart

(Hopesand)

 

Diamondis sprinkle

His heart strings never finkle

 

(Safesound)

 

Water Like Fireworks

Tingling triangles and tinkling harps

Nothing as soft, nothing is sharp

He has my wonder, has my fun, he has my heart

 

(Hopesand)

 

Wetlands (Diamondis sprinkle)

Waterlands (Heart strings never finkle)

Water Like Fireworks (Fly On)

Water Like Fireworks (Fly On)

Bursting Droplets

 

(Safesound)

Echo

The crystals shake in their chambers

Vibrations from my voice

I don’t care if this cliff

Gives

 

Aurora Borealis

Is nowhere to be seen

She has lost her sight

And mind

 

Patterns don’t exist

If love cannot breathe

Our love against the cold

I couldn’t win alone

 

We found hands to hold

Reaching in the dark

Paper hearts

Playing with fire

 

It’s just one more day

Not a lifetime

My spirit watch it sing

As it whistles through past times

 

A summer bursting with colour

Skyscrapers and blue quays

Death had never been duller

Then night stretched from under
(Northern Lights Erupt)

(Echo comes into effect)

 

We found hands to hold

Reaching in the dark

Paper hearts

Playing with fire

 

Every star

Every wish

Only you

 

We’d found hands to hold

Holding through the dark

I couldn’t fight off the cold, alone

One set of footprints in the snow

Paper hearts

Playing with fire

 

Ice-Knife

Tip,
Carve,
Cleaver.
Ice Knife.
Foal Heart.
Wicked swipe.
You pulled out
A piece of glacier.
Ice Knife. You pushed
This piece into my chest
Kept it there until I froze.
Held it there I turned cold. You.
Then you left me on this white cliff.
How can hugs so warm, lips so wet, be ice.
Louder – Break
What I think.
More? Deeper
Into the drink.
You don’t love me.
Your afflcition
Brought me
To the most
Beautiful, most
Devastating place
I have ever been.
You are my Weapon
Of Choice.

 

The Angel of Unlove

I was made human enough to be vulnerable, but angelic too, with gifts of unimaginable empathy, perception, love, and healing.

I have wings arched in my back, but sadly I cannot fly. My wings are beautiful and tender, they remind me of my purpose. I have wings, but I will never fly. I have endless love, but I am never to be loved.

I fall in love deeply and wholly and quickly. It is one of many curses. I am drawn to those with insecurities, those who do not know what it is to be loved, and I fall in love with them. I see this through actions, through speech, and most importantly eyes.

I immediately become a momentary guidance for them. I assure them where they feel their faults lie. I tell them things they do that are inappropriate, so they won’t make that mistake again. I shape them. I banish the broken from them and I teach them the ways of love – how to show it, how to act when you feel it, how to manipulate the negative outcomes of love (the things we sometimes do out of love and good intentions but are in themselves, a bad action), how to cope with heartbreak, how to use love to nurture, and many others.

I will give them gifts on every monthly anniversary, because I know that our time is limited, there won’t be yearly anniversaries, or engagement parties. All we have is the little time it takes for you to be healed enough to be capable of loving others. And I will present to you these gifts, in hopes that you never forget me, and maybe one day you will see them and smile. That is, something at least – to be thought of. To be remembered.

My love is always real, for it needs to be for my loved ones, who I have come to call “Passers”. They need to believe that there is no question in my method, or the love I give. They must feel its sincerity.

The final rule I teach is how to break someone’s heart – what that means for them, how they are hurt by it. It is a selfless act of giving empathy, and it is one of the main reasons I am an angel. I am to be everyone’s mistake – let them ruin me, so that when their one comes, they will know what to do, and most importantly what not to do. 

The distance that comes after our time between us will hurt me, but I won’t be broken. Whoever it was that made me this way made sure that heartbreak would wreck me enough to leave me on that edge, but with legs sturdy enough to keep standing. Because without me, someone else would have to do this job.

And I almost feel like Death. Trapped. Carrying people into adulthood, into love. But having to have myself used as the test. To see if they can love. And maybe sometimes Death wants to be alive? Maybe sometimes the Angel of Unlove wants to be loved.

Or why give me the ability to love? Why not have me as fake as the love I receive? Does it have to be genuine love? The love that cripples me, mentally begging for the passer to fall for me, as I have fallen for them…

And I love people enough to never let anyone feel this way, and so I will never give up my job. I will be tortured forever, I will bloom those who feel unworthy of love with the water of my arteries, and when they are ready they will leave me, or do things to make me leave them. And I will watch them forever through cloud, I will watch them all grow into loyal, beautiful, beings, and watch as they share their lives with someone deserving. Someone full.

I guess it’s poetic. I empty the vase of my love into someone, and then they are full of love and its ability forever, and that liquid will never deplete in them.

But for me, I leave the vase cold, until one day, scarred even more, my wings further dislodged, I will find that vase is full again. I will sigh deeply, and with sad eyes, I will fall in love for someone so that they can fall in love with someone else.