Caillte

Through the thicket of trees that stretched sternly high and bushed out where their length thinned, opened a clearance. The post-storm silver steel sky held onto it’s pressure with a humid stillness that cacophoned in his unconcerned ears. The atmospheric compression built on itself and gravity was weighted.

But the tension trickled and tripped – perhaps poked and penetrated by the tips of the forest – and instead bloated, waist-level from the ground like a bulging bell that almost made him double over. However, he toughed through steps forward from his emergence of the woodlands and moving onwards he divorced this grippling energy and fell onto his own weight, which pounded painfully. Rainwater and sweat stuck to his skin, his face glistened as though he himself was a product of water. 

Globe droplets descended from his flattened hair and landslid down his unaged and addled face. The earthy smell of damp wood surrounded him and seemed to plume even from the loose stones which he trod on barefoot, his feet dirty and bleeding as he walked with a limp. Men were here among the lumber and doorless squares of sturdy stone in the pouring rain and under the godless grey sky they wore tweed caps that only sponged the falling water. With the wrinkles in their hands browned they collected logs and shelved them into the puddling wheelbarrows. Some collected pounds of hay that lost its goldenness under the bleakness of their surroundings. He glimpsed slowly at these men as he bucked through, none paying him any mind. 

Slabs of pillar were slapped up and roofless like a maze that the dwindling men came to and fro and lost themselves within the passageways. Tucked in snuggly between lands of these columns smugly stood a woodlaced church. A crucifix protruded the high porch like a watchful eye and drew him towards the ever open doors. Above, crows choired and circled.


His focus was intercepted when a commonplace figure prodded the pallid quiet of tip tap rain. 

A mhic, an bhfuil tú caillte? Croaked the old man. 

The language confused him.

“No – no thank you.” He gave the man a gracious, slippery handshake and stumbled past, hindering at the front place of the stupendous church. “I’m..I’m looking for my father.” 

Carrying my heavy body up the cobble stair I trip – landing on my knee, drawing rocky breath. I pause, merging my flakes of stamina together. Broken shoots of heather attached to the bare heel of my feet which are also sprinkled with nibs and bits of blackened evergreen surge an ominous tickling sensation. 

I rise, and the birds above detach from their flurries. The hallway to the altar is dotted with tiny aqua square tiles which gleam from thin soakage. There are natural sunken dips where the soft floor has dived from water weight damage. An old smell of frankincense hangs in the cold air with an unusual tinge of chlorine.  

I bow, immediately. Not out of rule, but out of loss. My wrists slob to the holy floor, and I rub them along it, like ploughing through wax.


I rise, water-logged again, so that drips which had newly found me re-home themselves on the ground.

A slight sting in my left eye, I flatly pace closer to an altar that is brightly blinding to examine directly. But it is lifeless, and therefore meaningless to me – I cannot reach there. 

I stop my ascent. I am close to the head wing – the epicentre – the altar. My head forcibly held high and trying, I face it directly and feel an opening within. An emergence of emotion that weakens my stance so that I can no longer anchor myself against the tide. Hot tears move on my already sodden cheeks and I yield – I side slide into a vacant long lined horizontal bench, and I feel even there a wetness through the surface of the clumpy sitwood.  

I decide to take a quick measure of a glance behind me, and notice to my dear apathy an elderly woman with gorgeously lap-styled hair and a gentle green feather slotted through the delicately folded strands seated at the first bench by the entrance. She seems frantic and perhaps wailing as her clenched fists shake in front of her. She is dry, or either she is immune to saturation. Either way, her brief spell of grief does not affect me, I am impermeable. 

Alas, my impassibility is lost as I return my charge towards the altar and pick from my neck skin a handcrafted beadwork of rosemary. In my hand it is beaten – no doubt from the shipwreck that thrashed and bashed me against those trees and threw me into a ravaging storm that needed to be battled, to be passed. 

Tears glide. My hands clasp in prayer. “Ár n’Athair..”

HeartBeat

I think you’re made of paper art, stuffed with stars, and I felt fall through, right through, the middle part

I landed on your cage, right away, I felt a quake, a double thump, thud thud, like twin waves

Rhyme became mine in time, the pulses aligned, entwined

I spend my life by the drum, try to reproduce the thump
I spend my life by the drum, try to steer the beat
I spend my life beating my feet I’m trying to reproduce the heartbeat

Ooh I’ve got the Jones, corrupt my mind and Ooh I’m letting slow, poison my life

Where’s the drum now? I can’t hear a sound
There’s hollow where there was thunder cloud
I can’t hear a sound

The ground became still, tame, tranquil, when before it would drill, did I take my pep pill?

I jumped on the floor, implore an encore, motionless – what for?! I need the uproar

Rhyme had become mine in time, the pulses aligned, entwined, ’till you disinclined

I spend my life by the drum, try to reproduce the thump
I spend my life by the drum, try to hear the beat
I spend my life beating my feet I’m trying to reproduce the heartbeat

Ooh I’ve got the Jones, memory wiping and Ooh I’m letting slow, made of ice

Where’s the drum now? I can’t hear a sound
There’s hollow where there was thunder cloud
I can’t hear a sound

I don’t know where to go with no pulse flow to follow empty space to navigate my headspace, no pace

I need that direction, that by-line, that sign – that signal that told me you’re alright

3:1

some sort of leer I got
moths attracted to rot
the damaged and our drawing flair
disproportionary beacons of beware

i am forgiving, it’s my nature
i said hey sir it’s nice to meet ya
he took my hand and i was aware he had it

where is your past? i am water against it
tip toeing the train tracks, i will venture back
caught on thick weeds, witness horror in the dark
the secrets they keep, the victims they reap, if not us they seek, the stainless they will streak

he asked me about my p’s and q’s, there are names and enemies
i said there is paper in pools, pirates on the pacific
where there is water we may drown, on air we depend
we have began, now await our end

‘fools fear the future’ yet we run from what has been done, what is to become will have already been done oh for some, it will be done

release the fractures within, deliver me
i have lost, i am giving in
rap my bones with rope or keep me alight
tell my mam i was ready to die
we are given just enough time

i really wanna talk about it, i need someone to talk about it, can we talk about it
i’m petrified

get off me, i wept
you’re going to kill me, i’d fret
i was not conscious, my heart so heavyset
and the other broke my heart
And he broke my heart

Christ

I’m thinking on it
I’m tripping on it
I’m tricking on it
Thinking on it
Tripping on it
Tricking on it

Smaller, smaller
Altar, altar

Altar, before the altar, our design to make us smaller, smaller
Built the state for the “author”, to build him taller
To Crush

Christ,
Made from stick and brim we made you for order, order
You’re nailed to a cross father, your honour, my proper
Unfit for slaughter

Christ,
I could have kept on winning, like a sinner to the minute just
Right
Should I have left it thinning? Or hit it ’till it’s missing?
Was I a slave to the trimmed limit or an edge for the system a precautionary allegiance are you secure in your shiftings what are
MINE

Christ,
What do you want from me?
Another song to sing?
Another wrong to bring in?
Christ
No holds barred I see
Scathing me relentlessly
Gunnin’ for a change to take me
Out

Mmph,
Think, trip, trick you’re a good liar but by far not the best
Let it be known, there is nothing else, I only miss the dead

Christ,
I left it sifting, it was poison in the rifting’s
Knife
Did I offer my submission? Had I bowed to the religion?
A mere murder of the mimic are you sound in your exhibit and your delusion of a victim have you tamed your resistance is your heresy independent on the birth of sacreligion scribing the inscription from the blood of your subjacents the marks and who have made him are deplorably heathen
Mmph

Christ,
What do you want from me?
Another song to sing?
Another wrong to bring in?
Christ
No holds barred I see
Scathing me relentlessly
Gunnin’ for a change to take me
Out

A mans strength is like a bullet – it’s all down to the number of them
But isolation does not ice-cement abuse
Utilisation of the minimisation is your own way out

And we can keep god dead and we can be godless
We will feel heaven sent and free we will be lawless
We will never again belong to a man – our emancipation is our solace

Sinking Feeling

I hate my room
But I never leave it
I can’t hang up the flag but I decorate the walls with pictures of my friends because I can see the pride in them

I hate the town
My name has never escaped it
The walls that tell strangers I’m a faggot
I’ll never know who wrote it, or who knows it

Keep my head down
By, I, feeling of displacement
All in all, headlights on a rabbit
I can never move, I can never get out of it

It’s in my head now
Everything is rearranged around it
It’s tree sap sticky and elastic
It’s a virus – it’s a carrier, it’s a transit

It’s associated with my friends now
Likely the ones who wrote it
A carefully shoved knife in the back
From the people I trusted with it

I wonder who profited from it
Do they still get a surge each time I think about it
Are they happy about it

It’s a sinking feeling
Sinking back in
To the mud I had scraped clean
And the blood I had grated unseen
Since I was thirteen

A Lot To Be Embarrassed About

Recently,
I’ve been leaving myself out
Tuned up switch-key, refuse to figure it out
I could say I’ve been hitting things well
But there’s a place I go
Where I can think solo
(And) On the brightest sunny day I’m a raincloud hanging low

I’ve got plans,
Got the Jones and got the poison
But think I’m gone mad, my muscles moisten
Hate visioning the faces
I don’t think they know
That I’m afraid of the show
I’ll drink to compensate it out until they ask me to go home

Think I’d rather sit in,
Better sit this one out
Avoid a social situation I’ve got a lot to be embarrassed about

Not too sure I’m wanted around,
And got enough to fester that doubt
So tell my friends I don’t mean to pull out,
My name’s on the table and I’ve got a lot to be embarrassed about

Hard by sleep,
Cause it’s wicked when I’m under
I wish I couldn’t remember
The discomfort pinches my spine
Can numb the ticks
With the harder shit
But don’t want to walk on rocks from the crumbling foundation

Slave to it,
Blue eyed fall guy,
I really liked when you put your hand on my thigh
Nothing there to like about me
A big scar like a hole in my cheek
When I laugh with my big teeth
No please! Don’t check up on me, let me slip out and leave

Think I’d rather sit in,
Better sit this one out
Avoid a social situation I’ve got a lot to be embarrassed about

Not too sure I’m wanted around,
And got enough to fester that doubt
So tell my friends I don’t mean to pull out,
My name’s on the table and I’ve got a lot to be embarrassed about

Now I’m not alone, no
I’ve got texts on my phone
Must be feeling sort of proud,
And I’ve got a lot to be embarrassed about

So tell my friends I don’t mean to pull out
My name’s on the table and I’ve got a lot to be embarrassed about

Worthless

I’m not worthless,
just worth less, than you
It’s something you never failed to remind
And you have gentle eyes
But I know a truth dressed as a lie is quiet but cannot hide

After is too late for you to realise, that you were lucky to have me
Too late to rub up chemistry
Like I’d wait at the gate
For your smile to find me

Did you think you could look at me like that?
Did you think you could ruin all I had
I – I – I don’t feel so bad

You’ve still got it out for me
You search for reasons to hurt on me
Like a ghost, stalking me
Preying

No I know I know I’m not worthless
Just worth less than you
You and him and your ex,
You told me so
It’s something you never failed to remind
And yeah you have gentle eyes
But I know I know a truth dressed as a lie is quiet but cannot hide

Cut me off from the rest of the world so that when you stepped out place
I wouldn’t notice
Like a tie around my eyes
But you couldn’t keep your loyalty in one place
And so you’d accuse me of the same

Did you think you could look at me like that?
Did you think you could ruin all I had
I, I, I don’t feel so bad

You’ve still got it out for me
You search for reasons to hurt on me
Like a ghost, stalking me
Preying

I’m not worthless
I’m just worth less
Among the shadows in the background
Where I can be overlooked without sympathy
Not worthless
Just worth less

Tainted

Carry the weight of the world on my shoulders
Carry the weight of the whole world on my shoulders,
Because I refuse to let any of it go
Find it hard to let things go

We were both so dedicated
To keep what we had from fading
Dedicated to the loving memory
But our love is tainted

Like a painting
Of sun and song we had created
Wouldn’t waste it,
Our illustration
But our love is tainted

Our hands are made for holding
Our hands are made for holding, not building
Hands too dirty to clean the canvas

But we were both so dedicated
To keep what we had from fading
Dedicated to the loving memory
Our love is tainted

Like a painting
Of sun and song we had created
Wouldn’t waste it,
Our illustration
But our love is tainted

But dedicated,
We were so dedicated
To keep the hearts from breaking
Keeping things in their places
Afraid of changes
So dedicated
But our love is tainted

The road we’re on is so unstable,
Our love is tainted
This road’s unstable,
Our love is tainted
Keep the hearts from breaking,
Never waste it, our creation,
Is tainted
Wish I could change it,
Our love is tainted