Tag: pain

Worthless

Leo Diarmuid GreyLeave a comment

I’m not worthless,
just worth less, than you
It’s something you never failed to remind
And you have gentle eyes
But I know a truth dressed as a lie is quiet but cannot hide

After is too late for you to realise, that you were lucky to have me
Too late to rub up chemistry
Like I’d wait at the gate
For your smile to find me

Did you think you could look at me like that?
Did you think you could ruin all I had
I – I – I don’t feel so bad

You’ve still got it out for me
You search for reasons to hurt on me
Like a ghost, stalking me
Preying

No I know I know I’m not worthless
Just worth less than you
You and him and your ex,
You told me so
It’s something you never failed to remind
And yeah you have gentle eyes
But I know I know a truth dressed as a lie is quiet but cannot hide

Cut me off from the rest of the world so that when you stepped out place
I wouldn’t notice
Like a tie around my eyes
But you couldn’t keep your loyalty in one place
And so you’d accuse me of the same

Did you think you could look at me like that?
Did you think you could ruin all I had
I, I, I don’t feel so bad

You’ve still got it out for me
You search for reasons to hurt on me
Like a ghost, stalking me
Preying

I’m not worthless
I’m just worth less
Among the shadows in the background
Where I can be overlooked without sympathy
Not worthless
Just worth less

Lungs on Fire

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Our Lungs Are On Fire

They poured kerosene down our throats
With our mouths pried open
Some died of paraffin poisoning
Some drowned
And for the rest of us
They dropped a lit match
Can you feel your tubes filling with smoke?
Can you feel your inner linings eroding?
Can you taste the charcoal on the back of your tongue?
Coughing up the thick ash – the burned black pieces of our organs?
Our lungs are on fire

And my eyes are burning,
But the tears keep coming
I wish they could do something
Melt the fires away

But the fires stay burning
Carbon Dioxide still churning
We rape our mother
One-by-One, after another
Relentless

And the fires are still burning
The dioxide is still earning
We berate our mother
Us on top, her under
Selfish

I wonder about the birds, circling the forest
Calling their young
Their babies that couldn’t yet fly
Waiting for her return
I wonder how long the bird soars
Until its wings give
She falls onto a low hanging branch
And cries with a raspy caw unusual to hers
She turns her head and sees a familiar stow engulfed in piercing orange
And paces towards a smoldered nest with her roasted children inside
Her lungs are on fire

The anxiety,
Yes it’s hard to breathe
Harder to breathe
When your lungs are on fire

If we aren’t scared,
We are blind
If we aren’t trying
We’re all dying
Our lungs are on fire

How do we sleep
With a fire in our bodies
How do we laugh
With cinders in our teeth
Our lungs are on fire

If they’re burning the land we live off,
The animals we feed from,
The trees we breathe from,
The earth we learn from,
Do you think they won’t burn us too?
Throw us into the fire
Control their empire
Do you think they haven’t already started?

Earth sprinkled with decimated maize crops
No protection from the sun come Summer 2090
The seas rise and makes us move
The temperatures rise, and globally deplete food
Carbon Dioxide – the waste product will leave us the same

And we’ll sail on the river of lava and walk barefoot on burning coal and pretend we haven’t turned Earth into Hell

Bats

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Sweaty bats gliding through an Autumn-Magic sunset, their kiwi-rat bodies glinting over the tips of dark and meaningless houses- unbothered and unspied, only by me and my tired eyes and sore arm.

They are numerous, scattered like pepper sprinkles, dotted over a sheet and I recall with a painful wince the detail – the ache in my hand holding that fountain pen so steadily, its slim knib slowly cutting and dragging at the droopy blobs of tar that never had time to harden.

Bats – gloopy and inky for me – I just wipe my hand over the page and distort the sky I spent so long to colour in purple.

I wish I could’ve done more, I wish I had known to try. And maybe that’s mankinds biggest flaw. Wondering why we were never given the answers to questions we forgot to ask

Painting Rain

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You left, put between us miles
You left, took it all, left me bare
I’ve been painting rain, on bathroom tiles
Four walls and a bed, you’re gone and I’m here
Just me and my pen,
When you’re gone I’m not there
With nothing to feel
I just feel

You’re gone and I’m here
I’ll be painting rain
When you’re gone I’m not there
I’ll be painting rain
I’ll be painting rain

It’s time to leave this house
I need to get fucking out
Breathe in fresh air, poison it with despair
I am the fleshed damage you left behind
I am the vacant expression on the marble tile
I make them cry, I made you cry

You’re gone and I’m here
I’ll be painting rain
When you’re gone I’m not there
I’ll be painting rain
I’ll be painting rain

I’ve coloured every hall
In these blue raindrops
I’ve coloured all my walls
In these big raindrops
They’re painted on the floor
Where I write when I’m sore
They’re painted on the doors
Because my love is no more

Every night and day
I’ll be painting rain
Painting rain

Every night and day
I’ll be painting rain
Painting rain

Every night and day
I’ll be painting rain
Painting rain

Every night and day
I’ll be painting rain
Painting rain

Every night and day
I’ll be painting rain
Painting rain

 

(Painting: ‘Rain In The Field’ by Natalia Limanenko.)

Snowdrop Angel

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“…I don’t want to kill myself.”

I stood on the edge of Snowdrop Cliff. Everything was here. My past, my future, my body of now, my lifeline. Everything that has happened to me has covered the mountains in a snowy carpet which never leaves.

So far away from everything, this angel’s place… But I bring with me in my bones, all of the people I have loved. I feel their broken promises wearing me down.

It’s so hard. Life. I feel so many wars bruise my back, battles I fought against the people I love. If my heart could bleed. Words that haunt. Betrayals that split me from my spirit. So much loss. I could hold it here in my hand, pick up the snow, and out would shine a memory of mine. I could glimmer in it’s brilliance, my eyes prisms to it’s witness. But what is it worth?

This land of time and recollection all rolls with my soul. And my soul is a lonely soul. There are no intertwines or links, only sad ghosts of people who came and missed. And I have missed, too.

Looking over Snow city, far away, far beneath. Fairy lights in gingerbread houses, nobody about, the whispering of the snow lost to the gaps in the mountains. Over the city, over the snow, Arctic Lake cut through in the purest blue you will ever see, it’s thin scraping line mine in writing.

How can you leave if you truly love? If you wake up every morning in wonder and in awe? You can’t.

I do not want to fall from this cliff. I do not want to taint the snow red. Thinking of not wanting to but doing it makes me cry a little. The tears scrape my skin on their descent, drawing lines of blood. The lumpy head of the tear, and the lumpy head of the blood, both glide down my face. One feels like a kitten slit, the other like a warm raindrop.

And the people here are made of paper. The colder it gets, the deeper their edges cut and I can’t help but love and fear them.

Let me go in peace. Why do I have to relish in this place, I can feel the frost stiffen my thoughts and means of motion. Why can’t letting go be so much easier than this. Snowdrop Cliff is made for two people, not one. It’s as sad as I am to see that I have come alone tonight with nothing but loss in my life. I came back tonight aged with so many years. Years I did not need nor desire but have been aged with anyways. What is it worth?

I found my heart, gave it away, smashed it up and threw it out. Talk to me now of being weak.

Write me a new lullaby.

I can’t let you go.

But I can let myself go.

And don’t you know, I’ve lost so much in life, that everytime I lose myself, I find myself anew. No more.

“I don’t want to die” I cried. So, I covered my eyes, and let fall

Abandoner

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When I left you, you were young

But now you’re older you’ll –

Know when to run, and when to love

(Careless laughter),

Probably end up, with a happy ever after

You’re now so wise, in disguise

And you won’t ever again be tricked. By. Lies

~

Feel your father at your side

Couldn’t be there again this time

Learn what I meant

Learn why I left

I can’t let. You. Stay. Young.

~

It wasn’t easy, letting you go

But you need to respect that

you’ll never know, my sorrow

(Dad’s disaster)

The harder you look, harder the answer

I gave you life, I gave you strife

Now repay me with with your future life

~

Feel your father at your side

Couldn’t be there again this time

Learn what I meant

Learn why I left

I can’t let. You Stay-

BURN

Shape life over a dozen times

Move right, only to,wards light –

Freedom kind and freedom wise

Be shy and be alight

Run faster than the night

Love harder than you fight

Stop. Asking. Why.

 

Back To You

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I’m older now, but I’m still wrong

I’m bolder now, I’ve still lost

Let me cry into midnight blue

I’ll find a way back to you

 

Find a way back to you

 

 

Find way back to you

 

 

Back, to, you

 

 

Step by, step once step back

Allow it in before you let it go

For its final time pretend it will be okay,

That it wont be gone alone

 

 

Step by, step once step back

It’s sorry you can’t see it anymore

Its given in to whats to be done

Pain took its life and it took you too

 

 

Stand by, stand tall stand up

Allow me in before you let me go

For his final time pretend he will be okay,

That he wont be gone alone

 

 

Stand up, stand tall stand strong

He’s sorry you can’t see him anymore

He’s given in to what he’s become

Pain took his life and it took yours too

 

 

And I’m falling, deeper than I’ve been before

And I’m sinking, lower than I’ve been before

 

 

Step by, step once, Step back

Falling down, deeper than I’ve been before

Stand by, stand tall, stand up

Sinking down, deeper than I’ve been before

Step by

Back to you

Step once

Back to you

Step back

Back to you

Stand by

Back to you

Stand tall

Back to you

Stand up

Back to you

Step Back

Back to you

A Personal View On Death

Leo Diarmuid GreyLeave a comment

Death to me, is quite beautiful.

Death is tying a ribbon into a bow and labelling the package ‘Completion.’ It is finally being able to look back on a life and understand the meaning of that life, the question that has boggled philosophers, some of the best thinkers, since life began. Death is an epiphany. It’s noticing the beauty, the impact, the brilliance of someone.

With death comes a treasuring, and albeit a sum of regret too, but we cling on to what we remember of a life only once it’s gone. Death is keeping those memories and always feeling some sort of emotion because of them. Happiness, anger, desperation… In its own dark way, Death will remind you of what’s most important in life, in the most obvious way it can – through expression. Emotion. Elements of life.

Death is endless love, perhaps frustrating in some circumstances, but endless nonetheless. When we lose someone we love, when their life is complete, our love for them becomes immortal, because life can no longer touch that love, it cannot ruin that love, there will be no fights to tear that love. That love is crystallised and therefore unbreakable.

With death comes a terrible feeling that one won’t experience until they’ve fallen victim to Death’s grip. A pain, a sick feeling that was always there, like cancer, just waiting to be exploited. Mourning, grief… Emotions that cause sickness, sickness of hearts, sickness of souls, emotions that will make make you puke up the backbone of your reality and leave you staring at the mess on the floor. Death gives birth to the second part of life, and much like in the first part of life, we are born kicking and screaming and scared and stupid, but we grow. We age. Death prepares us for how cruel both it and Life can be, and will be, and you will see a different world, a world where you will not take ease for granted…But a world where you will appreciate the softness of snow, the flexibility of young glass, the changing colour of the sky.