A Lot To Be Embarrassed About

Recently,
I’ve been leaving myself out
Tuned up switch-key, refuse to figure it out
I could say I’ve been hitting things well
But there’s a place I go
Where I can think solo
(And) On the brightest sunny day I’m a raincloud hanging low

I’ve got plans,
Got the Jones and got the poison
But think I’m gone mad, my muscles moisten
Hate visioning the faces
I don’t think they know
That I’m afraid of the show
I’ll drink to compensate it out until they ask me to go home

Think I’d rather sit in,
Better sit this one out
Avoid a social situation I’ve got a lot to be embarrassed about

Not too sure I’m wanted around,
And got enough to fester that doubt
So tell my friends I don’t mean to pull out,
My name’s on the table and I’ve got a lot to be embarrassed about

Hard by sleep,
Cause it’s wicked when I’m under
I wish I couldn’t remember
The discomfort pinches my spine
Can numb the ticks
With the harder shit
But don’t want to walk on rocks from the crumbling foundation

Slave to it,
Blue eyed fall guy,
I really liked when you put your hand on my thigh
Nothing there to like about me
A big scar like a hole in my cheek
When I laugh with my big teeth
No please! Don’t check up on me, let me slip out and leave

Think I’d rather sit in,
Better sit this one out
Avoid a social situation I’ve got a lot to be embarrassed about

Not too sure I’m wanted around,
And got enough to fester that doubt
So tell my friends I don’t mean to pull out,
My name’s on the table and I’ve got a lot to be embarrassed about

Now I’m not alone, no
I’ve got texts on my phone
Must be feeling sort of proud,
And I’ve got a lot to be embarrassed about

So tell my friends I don’t mean to pull out
My name’s on the table and I’ve got a lot to be embarrassed about

Worthless

I’m not worthless,
just worth less, than you
It’s something you never failed to remind
And you have gentle eyes
But I know a truth dressed as a lie is quiet but cannot hide

After is too late for you to realise, that you were lucky to have me
Too late to rub up chemistry
Like I’d wait at the gate
For your smile to find me

Did you think you could look at me like that?
Did you think you could ruin all I had
I – I – I don’t feel so bad

You’ve still got it out for me
You search for reasons to hurt on me
Like a ghost, stalking me
Preying

No I know I know I’m not worthless
Just worth less than you
You and him and your ex,
You told me so
It’s something you never failed to remind
And yeah you have gentle eyes
But I know I know a truth dressed as a lie is quiet but cannot hide

Cut me off from the rest of the world so that when you stepped out place
I wouldn’t notice
Like a tie around my eyes
But you couldn’t keep your loyalty in one place
And so you’d accuse me of the same

Did you think you could look at me like that?
Did you think you could ruin all I had
I, I, I don’t feel so bad

You’ve still got it out for me
You search for reasons to hurt on me
Like a ghost, stalking me
Preying

I’m not worthless
I’m just worth less
Among the shadows in the background
Where I can be overlooked without sympathy
Not worthless
Just worth less

Tainted

Carry the weight of the world on my shoulders
Carry the weight of the whole world on my shoulders,
Because I refuse to let any of it go
Find it hard to let things go

We were both so dedicated
To keep what we had from fading
Dedicated to the loving memory
But our love is tainted

Like a painting
Of sun and song we had created
Wouldn’t waste it,
Our illustration
But our love is tainted

Our hands are made for holding
Our hands are made for holding, not building
Hands too dirty to clean the canvas

But we were both so dedicated
To keep what we had from fading
Dedicated to the loving memory
Our love is tainted

Like a painting
Of sun and song we had created
Wouldn’t waste it,
Our illustration
But our love is tainted

But dedicated,
We were so dedicated
To keep the hearts from breaking
Keeping things in their places
Afraid of changes
So dedicated
But our love is tainted

The road we’re on is so unstable,
Our love is tainted
This road’s unstable,
Our love is tainted
Keep the hearts from breaking,
Never waste it, our creation,
Is tainted
Wish I could change it,
Our love is tainted

The Night He Died

I’d had an unnerving dream. I’m not unaccquainted to suicidal dreams. In fact they’re frequent enough to render them recurring nightmares. Not a lot of people know that. I doubt a lot of people care. ‘Just Dreams’ I’d hear them say. Well, that night felt like more.

In my dreams I’m usually facing off the edge of something high, staring down. Sometimes my arms are spread, sometimes I’m just bleakly standing. The weather differs, the settings differ, but I am always peering over the circumference of something.

This night it was the unfinished apartment block beside where I live. I pass it every day and every night, on my way to work, on my way home, going to Dunnes, whatever. It is directly opposite the entrance/exit gate to my apartment block, unavoidable.

The twin sister to my own apartment block, it is high and rectangular. Where mine runs a cobalt blue with black balconies and big windows, it runs nothing but grey stone and poking rustic bars. It is stained erratically with seemingly rushed graffiti tags and watermarks.

While they built up, they must have given up on building across, and the very top few stories were left without horizontal flooring like a rugby players gaping teeth.

I was at the tip of this building. I was looming over the brink. The wind was quite choppy through my hair and really tugged at my clothes. It was late and dark and the road below was desolate and glinting wet from an earlier sticky rainfall. I reckon in the dream I was about to jump, but to my complete horror I instinctively turned to my right and found a cloaked shadow of a person looking back at me. There was no face beneath the hood, but I could make out a drooping chin. The long hood then turned towards the road, but then back to me. My hesistance diminished as I realised the foul play that was actually going on. The figure jumped from the building before my very eyes.

I woke with wild energy, like a tin whistle screeching from force. And then, as I always do, I threw my arm around my boyfriend and thought hard on isolated popular areas to lullaby myself back to sleep.

I don’t even know his name. When I found out that there was a body on the ground bedside to the road I felt my heart fill with a different kind of fear. He had dropped from the very building I had dreamt of the night before. He was about 17 years old. I think of the stairs. He solemnly walked up every single step, he put in that physical effort to get up high enough to die. The determination it took of him treading every dreadful step, slowly gathering height, demanding his legs to lift up another, and then another, higher, and then higher. Knowing on every landing of his foot, he was only doing it to end his life. It strikes me with a great grief. A boy, who I had never known nor cared about, has been removed from the world we shared, at close proximity. I am left to wonder what separates us all from each other? A life that lived, slept, dreamt and cried like I still do has become nothing more than a statistic for the officials to dismiss and push under hushed floorboards and we will pretend that the sun rising in the morning will be enough for us. And yet, we know, every single time the sun rises, a man will forcibly and violently exit out of this world and will not live to see that sun settle ever again – a life more temporary than life had ever planned it to be

 

 

 

 

Bats

Sweaty bats gliding through an Autumn-Magic sunset, their kiwi-rat bodies glinting over the tips of dark and meaningless houses- unbothered and unspied, only by me and my tired eyes and sore arm.

They are numerous, scattered like pepper sprinkles, dotted over a sheet and I recall with a painful wince the detail – the ache in my hand holding that fountain pen so steadily, its slim knib slowly cutting and dragging at the droopy blobs of tar that never had time to harden.

Bats – gloopy and inky for me – I just wipe my hand over the page and distort the sky I spent so long to colour in purple.

I wish I could’ve done more, I wish I had known to try. And maybe that’s mankinds biggest flaw. Wondering why we were never given the answers to questions we forgot to ask

Echo

The crystals shake in their chambers

Vibrations from my voice

I don’t care if this cliff

Gives

 

Aurora Borealis

Is nowhere to be seen

She has lost her sight

And mind

 

Patterns don’t exist

If love cannot breathe

Our love against the cold

I couldn’t win alone

 

We found hands to hold

Reaching in the dark

Paper hearts

Playing with fire

 

It’s just one more day

Not a lifetime

My spirit watch it sing

As it whistles through past times

 

A summer bursting with colour

Skyscrapers and blue quays

Death had never been duller

Then night stretched from under
(Northern Lights Erupt)

(Echo comes into effect)

 

We found hands to hold

Reaching in the dark

Paper hearts

Playing with fire

 

Every star

Every wish

Only you

 

We’d found hands to hold

Holding through the dark

I couldn’t fight off the cold, alone

One set of footprints in the snow

Paper hearts

Playing with fire

 

Ice-Knife

Tip,
Carve,
Cleaver.
Ice Knife.
Foal Heart.
Wicked swipe.
You pulled out
A piece of glacier.
Ice Knife. You pushed
This piece into my chest
Kept it there until I froze.
Held it there I turned cold. You.
Then you left me on this white cliff.
How can hugs so warm, lips so wet, be ice.
Louder – Break
What I think.
More? Deeper
Into the drink.
You don’t love me.
Your afflcition
Brought me
To the most
Beautiful, most
Devastating place
I have ever been.
You are my Weapon
Of Choice.

 

Snowdrop Angel

“…I don’t want to kill myself.”

I stood on the edge of Snowdrop Cliff. Everything was here. My past, my future, my body of now, my lifeline. Everything that has happened to me has covered the mountains in a snowy carpet which never leaves.

So far away from everything, this angel’s place… But I bring with me in my bones, all of the people I have loved. I feel their broken promises wearing me down.

It’s so hard. Life. I feel so many wars bruise my back, battles I fought against the people I love. If my heart could bleed. Words that haunt. Betrayals that split me from my spirit. So much loss. I could hold it here in my hand, pick up the snow, and out would shine a memory of mine. I could glimmer in it’s brilliance, my eyes prisms to it’s witness. But what is it worth?

This land of time and recollection all rolls with my soul. And my soul is a lonely soul. There are no intertwines or links, only sad ghosts of people who came and missed. And I have missed, too.

Looking over Snow city, far away, far beneath. Fairy lights in gingerbread houses, nobody about, the whispering of the snow lost to the gaps in the mountains. Over the city, over the snow, Arctic Lake cut through in the purest blue you will ever see, it’s thin scraping line mine in writing.

How can you leave if you truly love? If you wake up every morning in wonder and in awe? You can’t.

I do not want to fall from this cliff. I do not want to taint the snow red. Thinking of not wanting to but doing it makes me cry a little. The tears scrape my skin on their descent, drawing lines of blood. The lumpy head of the tear, and the lumpy head of the blood, both glide down my face. One feels like a kitten slit, the other like a warm raindrop.

And the people here are made of paper. The colder it gets, the deeper their edges cut and I can’t help but love and fear them.

Let me go in peace. Why do I have to relish in this place, I can feel the frost stiffen my thoughts and means of motion. Why can’t letting go be so much easier than this. Snowdrop Cliff is made for two people, not one. It’s as sad as I am to see that I have come alone tonight with nothing but loss in my life. I came back tonight aged with so many years. Years I did not need nor desire but have been aged with anyways. What is it worth?

I found my heart, gave it away, smashed it up and threw it out. Talk to me now of being weak.

Write me a new lullaby.

I can’t let you go.

But I can let myself go.

And don’t you know, I’ve lost so much in life, that everytime I lose myself, I find myself anew. No more.

“I don’t want to die” I cried. So, I covered my eyes, and let fall