Worthless

I’m not worthless,
just worth less, than you
It’s something you never failed to remind
And you have gentle eyes
But I know a truth dressed as a lie is quiet but cannot hide

After is too late for you to realise, that you were lucky to have me
Too late to rub up chemistry
Like I’d wait at the gate
For your smile to find me

Did you think you could look at me like that?
Did you think you could ruin all I had
I – I – I don’t feel so bad

You’ve still got it out for me
You search for reasons to hurt on me
Like a ghost, stalking me
Preying

No I know I know I’m not worthless
Just worth less than you
You and him and your ex,
You told me so
It’s something you never failed to remind
And yeah you have gentle eyes
But I know I know a truth dressed as a lie is quiet but cannot hide

Cut me off from the rest of the world so that when you stepped out place
I wouldn’t notice
Like a tie around my eyes
But you couldn’t keep your loyalty in one place
And so you’d accuse me of the same

Did you think you could look at me like that?
Did you think you could ruin all I had
I, I, I don’t feel so bad

You’ve still got it out for me
You search for reasons to hurt on me
Like a ghost, stalking me
Preying

I’m not worthless
I’m just worth less
Among the shadows in the background
Where I can be overlooked without sympathy
Not worthless
Just worth less

Tainted

Carry the weight of the world on my shoulders
Carry the weight of the whole world on my shoulders,
Because I refuse to let any of it go
Find it hard to let things go

We were both so dedicated
To keep what we had from fading
Dedicated to the loving memory
But our love is tainted

Like a painting
Of sun and song we had created
Wouldn’t waste it,
Our illustration
But our love is tainted

Our hands are made for holding
Our hands are made for holding, not building
Hands too dirty to clean the canvas

But we were both so dedicated
To keep what we had from fading
Dedicated to the loving memory
Our love is tainted

Like a painting
Of sun and song we had created
Wouldn’t waste it,
Our illustration
But our love is tainted

But dedicated,
We were so dedicated
To keep the hearts from breaking
Keeping things in their places
Afraid of changes
So dedicated
But our love is tainted

The road we’re on is so unstable,
Our love is tainted
This road’s unstable,
Our love is tainted
Keep the hearts from breaking,
Never waste it, our creation,
Is tainted
Wish I could change it,
Our love is tainted

Heart

I found my soul within the burnt pages of an old book, or maybe it was while I slept

I realised my heart was never missing and kept in the protecting hands of my sister as I cried and missed her

I’ll find my mind

Where it was lost in the dogfights

Flashbacks to late nights

And purple skies

Where river meets fire

Bats

Sweaty bats gliding through an Autumn-Magic sunset, their kiwi-rat bodies glinting over the tips of dark and meaningless houses- unbothered and unspied, only by me and my tired eyes and sore arm.

They are numerous, scattered like pepper sprinkles, dotted over a sheet and I recall with a painful wince the detail – the ache in my hand holding that fountain pen so steadily, its slim knib slowly cutting and dragging at the droopy blobs of tar that never had time to harden.

Bats – gloopy and inky for me – I just wipe my hand over the page and distort the sky I spent so long to colour in purple.

I wish I could’ve done more, I wish I had known to try. And maybe that’s mankinds biggest flaw. Wondering why we were never given the answers to questions we forgot to ask

Full Body Madness

My veins, vibrate
To a sound I don’t create
Went to the doctor couldn’t take me further…
Full Body Madness
This is what happened

Maybe it’s cancer causing my psychosis
Slaving me up whether I do or don’t know it
Silhouettes screaming on bridges…
Full Body Madness
Most are distracted

{‘Ghost of Threes’ E-Guitar chords}

– MOMENTS that disturb the destruction
I’m anti-fire
Pro-burn

Incapable of loving anything that wasn’t chaotic
If it wasn’t sending me over the edge I couldn’t want it
Flicking the elastic band of suicide…
Full Body Madness
In Latin it’s practiced

I don’t know what I’m holding on to but I’m losing grip
The sensation that my spine will slip
“I don’t feel like I have a big brother anymore”
Ellie I don’t think you do either
My match is lit as she smells the ether

{Ghost of Threes}

– MOMENTS that disturb the destruction
I’m anti-fire
Pro-burn

THESE MELANCHOLIC VIOLINS HAVE BEEN SCREECHING EVER SINCE

– MOMENTS that disturb the destruction
I’m anti-fire
Pro-burn

THESE MELANCHOLIC VIOLINS HAVE BEEN SCREECHING EVER SINCE
{Ghost of Threes}
Psychotic // Narcotic // Dementia Praecox
Hydroponic // Symphonic // Catatonic // Melodic
Entropy // Catastrophe
Degeneracy // Cardinality
Blasphemy // Illegitimacy
Ox-Trinity // Extremity

Polycene, vx liquored, wet-defect

AND I REALLY WANT TO TASTE KEROSENE
AND I REALLY WANT TO BATHE IN CYANIDE
“Consent is tricky in a relationship”

My Nitric Rhetoric
{Ghost of Threes}
A psychotic, narcotic, dementia praecox
A hydroponic is symphonic is catatonic is melodic
The following degeneracy warped cardinality
The blasphemy resides in illegitimacy
My ox-trinity in its full powered extremity

Polycene, vx liquored, wet-defect

What’s the matter with my love
Mountain tip on my hair split
What’s the matter with my love
It’s in my head, in my head
What’s the matter with my love
Rubbing picric on my skin
What’s the matter with my love
Day goes black, night goes red
What’s the matter with my love
I know to run, don’t know why
What’s the matter with my love
Day goes black, lights go red
Soil goes black, sky goes red
Day goes black, lights go red

Coffins Full Of Blood

We tried to love everything and it all died anyway
We didn’t try to run but escaped anyway
Everything not saved was lost
Here we are, there we are, where we are

We tried to curl but we couldn’t bend that way
We didn’t try to curve but got moved that way
Everyone not loved was lost
Be they dead, are we dead, were we dead

Bodies stuck in the sky
Dream catcher
We’re stuck on the ground
Heart snapper

I think my sisters are dead
But my brothers are all good
We dug up all the graves
The coffins full of blood
We sprinted through the streets
We fractured through the forest
And on the highest ground
We watched the end of the world

We decided to run when the night turned red
We had decided to repent, but we were red
All of us woke, the only awake
They can’t get up, they won’t get up, they’re not one of us

We decided to search but we found nothing
We had decided to excurse, but nothing
All of it wasted, dissolving
Apocalypse, Apocalypse, Apocalypse

It’s a blood moon every night
Heart shaped
Our skin glows scarlet
Dream raped

I think my sisters are dead
But my brothers are all good
We dug up all the graves
The coffins full of blood
We sprinted through the streets
We fractured through the forest
And on the highest ground
We watched the end of the world

Everything curmbles as I walk I’ll never be here again
The world I delved into dissipates
The sacrifices I have made
Go to heaven with a smile on your face
I’ll be lost

We know it’s ending it’s ending we know it’s ending feel it ending, it’s ending
Just keep dancing keep dancing it’s ending we’re dancing it’s ending we’re dancing
World is ending and the world is on fire the world is ending trees on fire
It’s the end of the world

Snowdrop Angel

“…I don’t want to kill myself.”

I stood on the edge of Snowdrop Cliff. Everything was here. My past, my future, my body of now, my lifeline. Everything that has happened to me has covered the mountains in a snowy carpet which never leaves.

So far away from everything, this angel’s place… But I bring with me in my bones, all of the people I have loved. I feel their broken promises wearing me down.

It’s so hard. Life. I feel so many wars bruise my back, battles I fought against the people I love. If my heart could bleed. Words that haunt. Betrayals that split me from my spirit. So much loss. I could hold it here in my hand, pick up the snow, and out would shine a memory of mine. I could glimmer in it’s brilliance, my eyes prisms to it’s witness. But what is it worth?

This land of time and recollection all rolls with my soul. And my soul is a lonely soul. There are no intertwines or links, only sad ghosts of people who came and missed. And I have missed, too.

Looking over Snow city, far away, far beneath. Fairy lights in gingerbread houses, nobody about, the whispering of the snow lost to the gaps in the mountains. Over the city, over the snow, Arctic Lake cut through in the purest blue you will ever see, it’s thin scraping line mine in writing.

How can you leave if you truly love? If you wake up every morning in wonder and in awe? You can’t.

I do not want to fall from this cliff. I do not want to taint the snow red. Thinking of not wanting to but doing it makes me cry a little. The tears scrape my skin on their descent, drawing lines of blood. The lumpy head of the tear, and the lumpy head of the blood, both glide down my face. One feels like a kitten slit, the other like a warm raindrop.

And the people here are made of paper. The colder it gets, the deeper their edges cut and I can’t help but love and fear them.

Let me go in peace. Why do I have to relish in this place, I can feel the frost stiffen my thoughts and means of motion. Why can’t letting go be so much easier than this. Snowdrop Cliff is made for two people, not one. It’s as sad as I am to see that I have come alone tonight with nothing but loss in my life. I came back tonight aged with so many years. Years I did not need nor desire but have been aged with anyways. What is it worth?

I found my heart, gave it away, smashed it up and threw it out. Talk to me now of being weak.

Write me a new lullaby.

I can’t let you go.

But I can let myself go.

And don’t you know, I’ve lost so much in life, that everytime I lose myself, I find myself anew. No more.

“I don’t want to die” I cried. So, I covered my eyes, and let fall