A Lot To Be Embarrassed About

Recently,
I’ve been leaving myself out
Tuned up switch-key, refuse to figure it out
I could say I’ve been hitting things well
But there’s a place I go
Where I can think solo
(And) On the brightest sunny day I’m a raincloud hanging low

I’ve got plans,
Got the Jones and got the poison
But think I’m gone mad, my muscles moisten
Hate visioning the faces
I don’t think they know
That I’m afraid of the show
I’ll drink to compensate it out until they ask me to go home

Think I’d rather sit in,
Better sit this one out
Avoid a social situation I’ve got a lot to be embarrassed about

Not too sure I’m wanted around,
And got enough to fester that doubt
So tell my friends I don’t mean to pull out,
My name’s on the table and I’ve got a lot to be embarrassed about

Hard by sleep,
Cause it’s wicked when I’m under
I wish I couldn’t remember
The discomfort pinches my spine
Can numb the ticks
With the harder shit
But don’t want to walk on rocks from the crumbling foundation

Slave to it,
Blue eyed fall guy,
I really liked when you put your hand on my thigh
Nothing there to like about me
A big scar like a hole in my cheek
When I laugh with my big teeth
No please! Don’t check up on me, let me slip out and leave

Think I’d rather sit in,
Better sit this one out
Avoid a social situation I’ve got a lot to be embarrassed about

Not too sure I’m wanted around,
And got enough to fester that doubt
So tell my friends I don’t mean to pull out,
My name’s on the table and I’ve got a lot to be embarrassed about

Now I’m not alone, no
I’ve got texts on my phone
Must be feeling sort of proud,
And I’ve got a lot to be embarrassed about

So tell my friends I don’t mean to pull out
My name’s on the table and I’ve got a lot to be embarrassed about

Worthless

I’m not worthless,
just worth less, than you
It’s something you never failed to remind
And you have gentle eyes
But I know a truth dressed as a lie is quiet but cannot hide

After is too late for you to realise, that you were lucky to have me
Too late to rub up chemistry
Like I’d wait at the gate
For your smile to find me

Did you think you could look at me like that?
Did you think you could ruin all I had
I – I – I don’t feel so bad

You’ve still got it out for me
You search for reasons to hurt on me
Like a ghost, stalking me
Preying

No I know I know I’m not worthless
Just worth less than you
You and him and your ex,
You told me so
It’s something you never failed to remind
And yeah you have gentle eyes
But I know I know a truth dressed as a lie is quiet but cannot hide

Cut me off from the rest of the world so that when you stepped out place
I wouldn’t notice
Like a tie around my eyes
But you couldn’t keep your loyalty in one place
And so you’d accuse me of the same

Did you think you could look at me like that?
Did you think you could ruin all I had
I, I, I don’t feel so bad

You’ve still got it out for me
You search for reasons to hurt on me
Like a ghost, stalking me
Preying

I’m not worthless
I’m just worth less
Among the shadows in the background
Where I can be overlooked without sympathy
Not worthless
Just worth less

Tainted

Carry the weight of the world on my shoulders
Carry the weight of the whole world on my shoulders,
Because I refuse to let any of it go
Find it hard to let things go

We were both so dedicated
To keep what we had from fading
Dedicated to the loving memory
But our love is tainted

Like a painting
Of sun and song we had created
Wouldn’t waste it,
Our illustration
But our love is tainted

Our hands are made for holding
Our hands are made for holding, not building
Hands too dirty to clean the canvas

But we were both so dedicated
To keep what we had from fading
Dedicated to the loving memory
Our love is tainted

Like a painting
Of sun and song we had created
Wouldn’t waste it,
Our illustration
But our love is tainted

But dedicated,
We were so dedicated
To keep the hearts from breaking
Keeping things in their places
Afraid of changes
So dedicated
But our love is tainted

The road we’re on is so unstable,
Our love is tainted
This road’s unstable,
Our love is tainted
Keep the hearts from breaking,
Never waste it, our creation,
Is tainted
Wish I could change it,
Our love is tainted

Heart

I found my soul within the burnt pages of an old book, or maybe it was while I slept

I realised my heart was never missing and kept in the protecting hands of my sister as I cried and missed her

I’ll find my mind

Where it was lost in the dogfights

Flashbacks to late nights

And purple skies

Where river meets fire

Bats

Sweaty bats gliding through an Autumn-Magic sunset, their kiwi-rat bodies glinting over the tips of dark and meaningless houses- unbothered and unspied, only by me and my tired eyes and sore arm.

They are numerous, scattered like pepper sprinkles, dotted over a sheet and I recall with a painful wince the detail – the ache in my hand holding that fountain pen so steadily, its slim knib slowly cutting and dragging at the droopy blobs of tar that never had time to harden.

Bats – gloopy and inky for me – I just wipe my hand over the page and distort the sky I spent so long to colour in purple.

I wish I could’ve done more, I wish I had known to try. And maybe that’s mankinds biggest flaw. Wondering why we were never given the answers to questions we forgot to ask

Painting Rain

You left, put between us miles
You left, took it all, left me bare
I’ve been painting rain, on bathroom tiles
Four walls and a bed, you’re gone and I’m here
Just me and my pen,
When you’re gone I’m not there
With nothing to feel
I just feel

You’re gone and I’m here
I’ll be painting rain
When you’re gone I’m not there
I’ll be painting rain
I’ll be painting rain

It’s time to leave this house
I need to get fucking out
Breathe in fresh air, poison it with despair
I am the fleshed damage you left behind
I am the vacant expression on the marble tile
I make them cry, I made you cry

You’re gone and I’m here
I’ll be painting rain
When you’re gone I’m not there
I’ll be painting rain
I’ll be painting rain

I’ve coloured every hall
In these blue raindrops
I’ve coloured all my walls
In these big raindrops
They’re painted on the floor
Where I write when I’m sore
They’re painted on the doors
Because my love is no more

Every night and day
I’ll be painting rain
Painting rain

Every night and day
I’ll be painting rain
Painting rain

Every night and day
I’ll be painting rain
Painting rain

Every night and day
I’ll be painting rain
Painting rain

Every night and day
I’ll be painting rain
Painting rain

 

(Painting: ‘Rain In The Field’ by Natalia Limanenko.)

Water Like Fireworks

I’ve decided against answers

Rather sit crossed-legged

And laugh at my own laughter

– So I retract from questions

Never wonder why

Learned to count my blessings

 

(Hopesand)

 

Water Like Fireworks

Tingling triangles and tinkling harps

Nothing as soft, nothing is sharp

He has my wonder, has my fun, he has my heart

 

(Safesound)

 

Canopy of frost tipped bluebells

That top the spring scented hills

Tip toeing on piano tiles

There his son, there his bride

 

Water Like Fireworks

Tingling triangles and tinkling harps

Nothing as soft, nothing is sharp

He has my wonder, has my fun, he has my heart

(Hopesand)

 

Diamondis sprinkle

His heart strings never finkle

 

(Safesound)

 

Water Like Fireworks

Tingling triangles and tinkling harps

Nothing as soft, nothing is sharp

He has my wonder, has my fun, he has my heart

 

(Hopesand)

 

Wetlands (Diamondis sprinkle)

Waterlands (Heart strings never finkle)

Water Like Fireworks (Fly On)

Water Like Fireworks (Fly On)

Bursting Droplets

 

(Safesound)